On Solitude...

My farewell party was today. Got the 'best hairstyle' award. Yay.
Skits with parodies of students... Teachers... Some singing and
dancing performances... The usual. Took some nice group pictures.

As it was all drawing to a close, most of the people I could
wholeheartedly refer to as friends were gone and I was left walking in
a sea of acquantances. Some techno remix of 'the way I are' was
blaring deafeningly in the background and I was possibly the only
solitary figure there.
I've always had a strange relationship with solitude- its been my most
constant (and paradoxal) companion for the past 8 years. I hate it and
yet in it I find a strange sort of detached comfort.
In boarding school- especially if you're as much of a misfit as I
was- the only way for a person to get some alone time was to mentally
withdraw. You are rarely alone in boarding school. There are memories,
however, of midnight stargazing on the terrace of my boarding house.
Chand Bagh is in a rural area, and the sky is a clear that one can
hardly ever imagine in urban surroundings. And when you're in the
open, once the wind blows, it doesnt seem to stop. Makes the stunted
breezes blowing through our cityscapes look like farts. Over there,
between me and the stars and the cicadas and the smell of soil and
green... There was a fascinating, soothing type of peace.
A strange mood comes over me when I'm at a loud party/concert or any
other event in which people are losing their inhibitions and mingling.
A strange detachment comes over me, although I cannot say that I'm sad
in the deepest sense. Im smiling and laughing and joking, yes. But
there is a certain emptiness inside. One that's always been there. I
feel strangely attuned to it in such situations.
Although the sounds of chiming laughter and blaring music and the
aromas of roasted poultry mingling with that of the musk given off by
young flesh renders most people hedonistically drunk within the
moment...
...I walk in a strange contradictory bubble. Loud rhythms and beats
only emphasize the silence around me. Cascading smoke and violent
colors give way to some sort of communal understanding, some sort of
music that to me is only cacophony. A group joke that only I do not
understand.
Why have I always been so far away when all that I've wanted was to be
a drop within the ocean of normalcy?
This world, however, is one that contains limitless possibilities. De
facto normalcy is something no normal person enjoys.
I wish I could at least have the superficial kind.

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